Two and a Half

Emotionally and socially, Baileyanne has been two and a half years old for 5 years now. I guess this is the hardest part for me... hoping and praying daily that my daughter "grow up". When she was two we met with a developmental child psychologist and she did some developmental IQ testing. I remember her telling us and we thinking that she would never be able to dress herself or do things on her own. We walked out of there with no hope... none. She tested at an 8 month old level when she was two. She didn't start walking until she was almost 19 months old. She didn't start talking until after she turned three. Baileyanne was our late bloomer and I never accepted it. To this day, I have a very hard time looking at her, knowing that she is behind. Over the past few years, I have really had to learn to "love" my daughter. I know that this sounds horrible, though for the longest time, I was embarrassed by her. I went through a year in a half of counseling, bringing things to the surface. One of the main things was the way that I felt toward Baileyanne. I HATE the fact that she is the different. I HATE that she can't be in the regular classroom all day with the "normal" kids. I HATE that we have constant fits daily (she is two and a half... which means that she throws tantrums.... still) I HATE that we don't know what to do for her some days. Though, through all of this hate, deep down inside, comes the love of Christ. The love that surpasses all of this hate. The love of Jesus that has TAUGHT me to love my daughter. It has not been easy though it has taken me years to learn to love my daughter. I always hope and pray that she will catch up. I used to pray that one day she would wake up and be "normal". I gave up praying that prayer and have started focusing on who she is and WHY God has blessed us with her. He didn't give her to any other family. There are days that I don't want her as my daughter and I know that sounds horrible though this has been the hardest thing that I have ever been faced with. She is ours and we are to love her even on the hard days. I often compare myself to others' struggles and what other people have to deal with daily and my mother in law always reminds me... if we were all to put our "problems" in a hat and pass it around, each would dig out the problem they started with. I am learning... learning day by day what it means to love my daughter... through His eyes, not mine. Through His strength, not mine.